I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Randomize
