I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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