The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
