I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
