I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
