you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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