I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
