went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
fuck your aforementioned shoe
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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