I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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