If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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