just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
