Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Are my feet made of real feet?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
