i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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