We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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