Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
