life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
