and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
