Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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