I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
