So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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