he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
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Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
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Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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