remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
