When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
tell me about the fingering
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