Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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