it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
