I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Can I color on your dick again?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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