I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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