I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
