hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
