Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
