Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
