Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
