i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
