you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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