If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
