I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
