you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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