she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
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You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
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Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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