Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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