I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
