I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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