he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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