omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
