thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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