I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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