I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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