Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
