I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
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Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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