JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
