don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
