oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
