I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
