I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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