A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
