Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
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you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
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I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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