I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
