I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
