Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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