I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
